The picture is far too big to look at kid. [entries|friends|calendar] Erin, The Awesome Your eyes won't open wide enough. [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

(3 Can't make me. | I won't grow up!) [03 Nov 2009|11:54pm] All better. Tumults over. So bored.

(I won't grow up!) [12 Aug 2009|08:05am] I live in this time warp between my home and the Newbury Comics warehouse, subsisting on stolen moments with horrible people and getting too drunk to dream. Luckily, I have godlike friends. Unluckily, the trouble in my life lives here too.

(I won't grow up!) [06 May 2009|08:57pm] I hate pretending all of the time.

(I won't grow up!) [06 May 2009|08:10pm] I can not love you because I secretly still love a stone.

(1 Can't make me. | I won't grow up!) [30 Apr 2009|08:22pm] I know it's easy to have me, but I have seen some things I can't even tell to my family pictures and I'm full of fictions, and fucking addictions, and I miss my mother.

(9 Can't make me. | I won't grow up!) [08 Apr 2009|08:23am] "Lady Liberty" by Okkervil River. Holy Shit.

(I won't grow up!) [08 Apr 2009|08:16am] I really, really hate myself right now. I am so sorry.

(8 Can't make me. | I won't grow up!) [02 Apr 2009|08:14pm] Fuck I don't think being high all the time is enough to make me not care about the problems that are surmounting around me. Fuck.

(7 Can't make me. | I won't grow up!) [19 Mar 2009|08:01pm] I'm unhappy.

(I won't grow up!) Yes. [05 Dec 2008|09:12pm] On Sunday we did acid all day. We took it at ten in the morning and I had the most fulfilling day off ever. So obviously, I had some serious introspective thoughts and bonded in a new way with music I love and the Adventures of Pete and Pete. I toyed with the idea of making my guilt for past transgressions ease by become a quiet folk singer who recounts the wrongs she's committed and apologies for being happy now. I realize that I was world weary too young. I hadn't had enough experience to have lost faith. I need to try again. I've reentered the world over the past few months with a renewed optimism and self-confidence that I hope will prevent the desperation I was experiencing before. I am fulfilled. I am accepted. I am loved. I am learning and working and creating and experiencing. I am so motherfucking happy.

(8 Can't make me. | I won't grow up!) [18 Nov 2008|06:53pm] This weekend we're going to Maine and New Hampshire. I am breaking my personal rule, the one that prevents me from listening to the musical stylings of people I'm close to, to see his band play. Gross. But, I get to go to Maine and New Hampshire. Sometimes I wonder if he is as comfortable and content around me as I am around him. He always seems to be striving to impress me and hold on to me, I want him to know that at this point that effort is unnecessary. I am completely satisfied by listening to music and cuddling and talking about nothing important all of the time. He's under the impression that he's a burnout. I don't think he's realized I'm a wasteoid. I'm still retardedly happy. ( In other news, tons of Halloween pictures. )

(4 Can't make me. | I won't grow up!) Oh man. [14 Nov 2008|06:47pm] My life improved exponentially in a short amount of time. I decided to actively end my wait for someone not worth my time. No more watching sports in his room. No more serious conversations and deep penetrating looks. I would put myself out in the world to be noticed by another. And then it all got wonderful in such a whirlwind of awesome I am barely keeping up. Recap: Sometime last week, my friend Betsy messaged me to let me know her brother had a crush on me. I thought this of moderate consequence, I didn't know him well but I knew he was a nice guy. The three of us went to the Model on Friday, and consequently I spent the entire evening tucked into a corner talking about how much we both love the Beatles and the Decendents and Bruce Campbell and it just felt right. Saturday we went out again. And Sunday. And Monday. And on Tuesday we began an official foray into the world of dating. I am retardedly happy. That is all.

(8 Can't make me. | I won't grow up!) P.S. [21 Oct 2008|12:27am] Holy crud, where has metal been my whole life? I was missing out.

(5 Can't make me. | I won't grow up!) [21 Oct 2008|12:03am] There are a lot of things about my new job that are better than working at the store. There are a lot of things that I can see myself hating with time. I never anticipated the worst part. Doug said today that they were wrong about the spring being the season of love. In the fall you want to find someone to settle down for the winter and keep you warm. In the spring you want to make a baby. You fall in love in the fall, you fall in lust in the spring. Baby, I wish you could keep me warm all winter. But I can't wait around for things to change. And I can't believe a single word you say.

(I won't grow up!) [17 Oct 2008|07:03pm] I don't know that I can believe any of that. But Jesus Christ I wanted to believe every word. I wanted to feel every surge of electricity and think it was real. But it probably wasn't. And I can't wait around to find out.

(3 Can't make me. | I won't grow up!) [16 Oct 2008|06:51pm] It's not that I'm not happy. My life is generally really wonderful. But I think that makes the bad parts worse than they were before. Before I was used to it, numb to it, now it is the sharp punctuations in my security bubble, these pinpoints of darkness that shatter the illusion that everything will wind up okay. It's worse because now I know what it's like to be happy all the time. I really am. Usually. But right now, when I'm not distracting myself, all I want to do is curl up, fetal, on my hard uncomfortable metal bed, and listen to Nine Inch Nails Pretty Hate Machine as loud as I can make it go. Loud enough to feel it in my bed and my blankets and my bones. Loud enough that maybe it will get through to the cause and disrupt it. Disrupt the cause of my discontent. Help make that cause go away.

(8 Can't make me. | I won't grow up!) [10 Oct 2008|09:13pm] I have a small dream that should be achievable. Honestly. It should not be difficult. All I want is to be found attractive by someone who does not have a girlfriend. That's all. At least by someone whose girlfriend I'm not friends with.

(4 Can't make me. | I won't grow up!) [08 Oct 2008|11:10pm] You are destined to be my downfall. I can envision no situation in which your words would have less of a disarming effect on me. Please don't fuck up my life. I was almost done fixing it. Just leave me alone.

(I won't grow up!) [20 Jul 2008|09:57pm] I talked to Kellen for the first time since his girlfriend found out. It was stressful and made me want to cry and apologize to Isabella profusely. All I did was ask to be removed from the lease but he just makes me feel awful about myself. While simultaneously trying to maintain what we previously had... which is fucked.

(5 Can't make me. | I won't grow up!) [28 Jun 2008|06:19pm] I think I might be an alcoholic. But everyone says it's normal right after you turn 21. But I drink every day. It started getting awful when I stopped being comfortable in my house. I stay out with people until I'm sure they'll be asleep. I can't bear to see them. I feel so fucking... lost. I don't have a home anymore. My perfect apartment was ruined. By me obviously, but I can still be sad about it.

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