Perhaps I'm more attached to his suffering, the suffering unrequited, for he suffers, no?

I read Amanda Palmer's blog. I know, whatever, it's lame. I enjoy it, I feel like I enjoy her music more as a result.

She wrote about a Cardinal that bangs into her window, THWOK THWOK THWOK, and won't go away. She looked up what the symbolism behind Cardinals was. Hope and suffering, and harbingers of death.

Then I remembered something.

When I used to sleep at Jacob's house there was always a THWOK THWOK THWOK coming from the window in the morning. Without fail. I had fleeting worries that it was Crystal or some other lover throwing pebbles at his window and he would sneak away to them when he went to the bathroom, until he told me it was a bird. I hate birds. I'm terrified of them. It was a cardinal. And I think that cardinal had been trying to warn me, that in that room I would find nothing but suffering and misery.

The fact that I'm afraid of birds should have been enough. I preferred sleeping in the basement. That cardinal was telling me that if I stayed with him I would be staying with my death. I wonder if he warns Halley now, but she is not afraid of birds, so I don't think she listens. I don't know if I would have listened had I known before.

I have to go to that house again soon, and gather all my old things. I plan on going while he's at school so I don't have to deal with the fact that he refuses to give me those things. I really hope that cardinal is there, I might have to open the window and let him in.